Oh, God, not you!
by Flitter
Summary: Alex, a supreme hater of all things LOTR, gets dropped in on the'verse to shake things up a bit. Guess who finds her, and she hates the most? *Finished*
1. Please, no not That!

A/N: Read a *very* entertaining fic on the net, about how to do a stereotypical 'Mary-Sue' fic. Having no idea what the *hell* a Mary-Sue fic is, I read lots of them. And came to the conclusion that it is a very dull fic, where a new character and Leggy loo loo fall in highly overrated love. So guess what folks? I'm doing an opposite to a Mary-Sue. Meet Alex. LOTR hater supreme!  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
Alex's point of view  
  
'Let's get this striaght, shall we? I have *never* liked LOTR. Never. The only reason I come inot contact with it, is because I have two highly obsessed friends, who find it addictive. I have never liked Legolas especially. In fact, I kinda thought he was gay. But, I wouldn't be telling you this if I did like him. So you see, the whole reason for this, is the same reason I got there. And may I just say? Calling your future offspring Alexandra *Galadriel* Envorne is *not* a hit. In anyone's book.  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
  
  
Alex sat at the computer, waiting for the email to download. It was boring, time consuming, but Lee-Ann had promised it was actually worth the wait.  
  
"Imagine the best, biggest poster of the most gorgeous guy in the world!" she'd squealed down the phone line. Instantly, James Masters sprang to mind.  
  
"And this is *so* much better than that!" She had to download! The time ticked away, as she played with her hair, tucking it back under the bandanna when she saw it was done loading.  
  
"Oh man, Jamesy, here I come!' she muttered, opening up the document. And wailed with disappointment.  
  
"Bloody Lord of the Rings!" The poster download was a chalk sketch of one *very* naked Legolas. Lee-Ann, and Beth had probably fainted, Alex speculated gloomily, trashing the thing. It was very well done, if you *didn't* happen to think that Legolas was a wimp, and a gay one at that.  
  
The phone rang. She scooped it up, and Lee-Ann burbled into her ear excitedly, "Did you get it yet? Cos I sent it like an hour ago, and it's so cool! And guess what? We have *tickets* to see LOTR next Saturday!"  
  
"The ecstasy fills me as we speak," Alex replied flatly. She glanced out the window. Not raining, so she couldn't go and drown herself in the birdbath.  
  
"Ya don't sound very happy, y'know." Lee-ann's concerned voice filled her ears.  
  
"Look, Lee-lee, I got a ton of trig to do, and LOTR doesn't fill me with desire, kay?' she rang off. It wasn't that Lee-Ann and Beth hadn't been the best friends in the world, but about two years ago, they'ddiscovered one of their favourite actors was going to star in LOTR. They had read it cover to cover, while Alex flatly refused to.  
  
So now, instead of hanging at the mall, all her friends wanted to do was read the damn book, gaze at posters of the long haired freak, and dream over the movie that was coming out tomorrow. She hated every second. It had something to do with the fact that she was ever so *slightly* different.  
  
It had started in pre school, and before that. Her mom was the ever so wafty arty one, and they were the twinset and pearls squad. Not that it mattered. And their moms had managed to have them without dying, while she'd been brought up by her dad. Who, out of *respect* to her mother had given her a middle name she loathed. Another reason to hate LOTR, actually. And they were given names, and sent to preschool like normal kids. While she went to this upperclass montossauri school.  
  
But their moms had made them become friends because 'poor Francis' would have wanted it. So Alex had no choice. But they were cool, Lee, Beth and Alex, growing up together. Alex looked a little different, sure. But underneath they were exactly the same.  
  
Or not.  
  
Alex tended to try and ignore people. She went out of her way not to flirt, and be bubbly like the boring cheerleader type everyone aspired to. Her long copper hair was tied up under a bandanna, and her huge coffee coloured eyes were hidden behind shades. She tended to wear combats, and a vest, or hoodie, and Lee and Beth were at their happiest in a two piece top, and floaty little skirt. And when they had their ears pierced, Alex had been the one to have it done four times on either side. They had all grown up together, but now the divide between them seemed to have grown, and LOT blasted didn't help any.  
  
Alex sighed, looked at the trig beside the modem, and went back to tapping away. She could at least chat to *some* of her friends.  
  
After a couple of hours, until half past eleven, Alex finally flopped onto herbed, and fell asleep, still fully dressed. She started to dream, a rare occurrence for Alex, but in this case it was *very* weird. She saw a pile of berries, rich and juicy, and then a midget laughing. And the ever so poncy Legolas standing by, and then a tall girl with long dark hair. And an axe in a table.  
  
She opened her eyes, and looked around. It was raining, on top of her, and unless L.A had turned into Virginia all of a sudden, she didn't think she was inside anymore. Plus, the ceiling had kinda..vanished. She was lying on her back, staring up at a blue sky, in the middle of a wood. Before she could scramble up, someone walked up behind her, and bent over her.  
  
"Oh crap. It *would* be you, wouldn't it?' she sighed. "First time I dream vividly, and I have to dream about *you*!"  
  
Legolas merely stared back at the.. whatever it was. It didn't appear to have hair, or be muscled, but then it didn't look female.  
  
"*what* are you?' he asked, pointing a bow at it.  
  
"Oh brother," she sighed, and started to get up. 


	2. God save me from dumbassed elves!

A/N: Alex *really* doesn't like the Fellowship, does she? Lol!  
  
"Right now, I'm a highly pissed off human," Alex told him brightly. She got up, and then noticed he was still pointing a bow at her. She rolled her eyes.  
  
"Oh *grow* up. I'm not gonna kill you. In fact, considering this is one of the most realistic dreams I've had since forever, I'm probably going to commit suicide, since it means that I was thinking about you, at least on some subconcious level." Legolas was staring.  
  
He'd never seen something that.. like *that* talk so much. And it didn't appear to be holding a weapon of some kind.  
  
"What are you?" he repeated, drawing the string back. It looked angry, a little like Gandalf on a bad day. And it had no hair.  
  
"Like I said, I'm human. Hu-man," she repeated, slowly, enunciating every word. "Oh why bother, this is *my* dream, and I choose to wake up right *now*! Standing in the middle of nowhere with a long haired freak isn't my idea of fun. Now if you presented me with James Masters." She looked back at Legolas. He was staring again.  
  
"What?" she asked angrily.  
  
"You are bald, mistress," he said politely, indicating her lack of hair. It was a strange affliction, and one he'd never seen before, but at least he'd worked out that she was female. Her voice was too high pitched to be male, and she was behaving rather like Arwen when her cloud passed over the moon.  
  
  
  
"Oh jeezus, if you talk like that, I *will* kill you! And this is a bandanna,' she said, touching it. He cocked his head on one side.  
  
"Oh God. I *hate* my hair, but if it will convince you, you brain dead moron," and she untied the thing.  
  
Legolas stared as a wave of silky, shining copper coloured hair flowed to the girl's waist. Why would she wish to hide it? Was she intending to travel as a man?  
  
Then he noticed something else.  
  
"Your eyes," he said, reaching up, and almost stretched out to take them.  
  
"Hey, even in a dream , *no one* touches the shades!" she said, ducking back. Seeing his perplexed look, she sighed.  
  
"God save me from dumbassed elves!" and pulled off the shades.  
  
Again with the staring. Legolas was staing directly at her, and she was beginning to be uncomfortable.  
  
What do you want now?" she asked, blinking slightly as actual *light* came into contact with her eyes. Just then, the forest around them was disrupted, and the rest of the Fellowship joined them. Frodo, or the deformed version of Elijah Wood, was first into the clearing where apparently her brain was dribling out of her ears.  
  
"Wait Mr Frodo! It could be dangerous! Legolas has not told you to come forth!" shouted Sam, closely following his friend. Alex pretended to puke.  
  
"Oh, no not *you* as well!" she said, as she looked into the intense blue eyes of the little person that came up to her waist. Who she abhored. And had the violent urge to bash her head against a wall. She hated LOTR, and was being subjected to a full on torture session.  
  
"Okay, you little perverts, I don't like you. I have *never* liked you. I would prfer to watch the Sound Of Music over and *over* rather than being trapped in a box with you. In fact, kill me now. Someone must have a knife. Euthanasia. Slash my wrists right now please," she told them, offering up her wrists.  
  
"What's a pervert,Merry?" Pip asked his cohort. Merry shrugged. By now, the entire Fellowship filed out and stood in front of the ranting girl which only poured oil on the flames. (A/N: That's a *Bad* idea)  
  
"What ails the girl, Legolas?" Boromir asked, stepping out from the small gathering to stand beside the elf as they watched bemusedly as the girl dropped to her knees, and screamed as she beat the floor with her fists. She seemed to have progressed to cursing someone with the name of Tolkien, and all of the Men present (including Legolas) clapped protective hands to their..elfhoods, and turned pale green at the thoughts the girl seemed to conjour.  
  
"Quite good at that, isn't she?" Gimli whispered, as they waited for the hysterics to come to a full stop.  
  
Slowly, Alex stopped screaming, then sat up. They watched her, eyes wide. She grabbed Aragorn's sword, and quickly, before he could get it back, slit the tip over her finger.  
  
"Ow!" shit Alex came to the sudden realisation that pain didn't exist in dreams and it looked like she was in LOTR'verse for real. She lay back down again and howled.  
  
"Does Arwen do this?" Boromir asked Aragorn curiously. Aragorn watched as Alex attempted to kill herself.  
  
"Not to herself. To me. Once a month," he replied, still watching, and then when Alex fell silent, he bent over her.  
  
"So I gather you do not wish tobe here?" he asked, and then stepped back. The girl had leapt to her feet, and looked ready to rip out his throat. 


	3. Oh yeah, feel the love in the room!

A/N: Okay, last chapter for a week, I'm going on holiday for a week, and can't write anymore till then. You know what would be highly encouraging? Reviews! ^_^ Sorry about the non- setting language, but as I couldn't think how to say it in the english they use in the medieval times, it had to be said in todays.  
  
"No shit Sherlock!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, then looked at them all standing around.  
  
"Okay, I might be here, but maybe if I fall out of a tree, I might wake up, and this is *so* not funny," she groaned, as eight pairs of eyes watched her. Gandalf was smoking with his back to her.  
  
"What is your name, Mistress?" Boromir asked politely.  
  
"First of all, I am *not* a mistress. That's just.*weird*. And my name is Alex." They looked confused.  
  
"We have heard that name before, but generally on.. well, men, mistress Alex," Aragorn finally replied.  
  
"No, *not* mistress Alex, just Alex," they still looked perplexed. She sighed. "Fine, my full name. I'm Alexandra, oh god, I'm *so* gonna kill my dad, Galadriel Envorne. " she looked up.  
  
"Are you an elf?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Get with the programme, would ya? I said I'm human, about three times. And no, I have perfectly normal ears, thank you very much!" she said indignantly, indicating them.  
  
"Have you been tortured, my lady? That looks strangely painful, and we will find the one who has exacted such torment upon you, and kill him," Pippin piped up, as the rest of the Fellowship nodded.  
  
"Oh what now?" she howled. The Fellowship all took a hasty step backwards. She put a hand to her ear, and remembered that she was wearing earings that day.  
  
"Come on, you must have seen earings before. I mean, Legolas, you must wear them on a nightly basis, dontcha, gay boy?" she said, smiling. The tall blond elf looked highly indignant.  
  
"Nay, I never wear such..devices! But what is their purpose?" he asked. Alex thought a second, and then shrugged.  
  
"How do you bear the pain?" Merry asked, staring up at her.  
  
"It's kinda..not. And anyway, don't you have like an exit door, or something, cos if you're on this quest with the *one Ring* then you won't want me hanging around."  
  
"What and *how* do you know of the one Ring?" Aragorn instantly demanded. He was pointing a sword at her, and oh, *what* a surprise, Legolas had his bow aimed at her again.  
  
"I know about it because my friends are obsessed. And I know that it's the damn Ring, okay? You can't listen to your friends dissect the plot of the worst book in the history of mankind, closely followed by Swallows and Amazons without absorbing some factual detail. Believe me, I've *tried* not to listen," she said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Well it looks like you are joining us," Aragorn said, sheathing his sword.  
  
"Nu uh, no way. You don't want me, really. I'm mean, I'm PMSy now, but in a week, it's full out hormones, and that's not pretty, believe me. And there's kinda nine of you, and I wouldn't want to detract that, and you're all male, so it's gonna be pretty damn painful," she protested weakily, backing away.  
  
"Nonsense, girl. You are endangered by the knowledge you possess, as are we. Come, we will set up camp for this evening, and perhaps Arwen can be summoned to bring you.." Aragorn scanned her from top to toe. "Garments more befitting a lady."  
  
"But hang on a second. According to the two freaks back home, Arwen is in some place beginning with River. And you guys are already on your way. So I 'll toddle off now, and leave you to get on with it, in my *own* clothes, and we'll leave it there, kay?" she smiled, hopefully, and her heart fell when the men present all shook their heads.  
  
"Nay. We have just left Rivendell, t'is no more than four miles back. We are plenty able to aid you with garments and the like," Boromir agreed with Aragorn.  
  
"Damn."  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&  
  
It was a lot later. Gloomily, Alex sat in a tree, using a borowed knife to make a chart of all the places she'd prefer to be than here. The Fellowship were below her, and she'd learnt more than even her *friends* knew about them in the last few hours. And they would actually *want* to know.  
  
"Are you coming down, my lady?" bellowed Boromir at the foot of the tree.  
  
"Well, there's the option of being put through toture, or hey, why not stay up here?" she muttered, then yelled back. "No!"  
  
Boromir returned to the fire.  
  
"I think the lady has elf in her," he commented, grabbing his food. "She has spent all even in that tree."  
  
"We elves do *not* spend all our time in trees. We appreciate nature, we are not antisocial!" Legolas muttered. Ever since they had met her, she seemed to resent her prescence here, and particularly *him* . He did not believe he had caused her harm, but she appeared to think so.  
  
"I think that we should send her to Rivendell with Arwen, as soon as she comes," Gimli announced.  
  
"Yeah, and then I can get away from the poncy Fellowship!" Alex yelled down from the tree.  
  
They glanced up, and she threw a barrage of acorns down at them.  
  
"I'm not coming down until I leave!" she yelled.  
  
"It would be impossible to send her back with me," said a new voice.  
  
"Arwen!" Aragorn said with genuine pleasure.  
  
"God have mercy on our souls, watching the mush that takes place everytime *you* two get together!" Alex yelled again. Arwen looked up, then at Aragorn, then raised an eyebrow. She dismounted from the back of her horse, and sat down.  
  
"My father does not wish to endanger Rivendell. He insists that you keep her among yourselves. He has sent extra supplies as befit a woman," she said, and going over to thehorse, withdrew garments and food from the saddle bags.  
  
"I'm *not* wearing a dress. You can't make me!" Alex hollered agin., Be darned if she was gonna faint.  
  
"Legolas, would you mind brining her down here?" Arwen asked, with a small smile. Legolas bowed, and allowed himself a small grin in return. Alex had no idea that the elf could *force* her down here.  
  
He climbed lightly up the tree, until he was on the same branch as her.  
  
"What the hell are you doing up here?" she shrieked, pelting him with a handful of acorns.  
  
He dodged, and ducked, and picked her up around the waist. Screaming and kicking in indignation, she broke off a branch, and began hitting him with it, as he climbed down as fast as he could without dropping her. Much as he wanted to.  
  
He gently dropped onto the ground, still holding her, and let her down. She promptly kicked him in the groin, and ran off to one side of the fire, and sat there, cross legged. While he groaned in pain, and all winced, except Arwen who smiled slightly, Arwen walked over to the angry female.  
  
"What ails you, Alexandra, that you wound poor Legolas in such a manner?" she asked quietly.  
  
"He pissed me off," Alex muttered. Arwen did smile then.  
  
"The fellowship care only of your well being. And to travel among them in safety, you must be atired as a girl. If an Orc were to come upon you, then you could startle it with even rudimetary fighting skill if it did not believe that you were learned of the art," Arwen persuaded. Alex looked up.  
  
  
  
"Why do I get the feeling I'm not gonna like this?" she groaned. 


	4. Dancing lessons?(cringes)Ooh, *bad* idea...

A/N: This hasn't been put up in a week, because. hell, I've been on holiday for a week! With no internet access. Which stank when it rained. Anyhoo, reviews, thank you very much people, I have had 32 reviews, and am a very happy author. But an addict, at the same time, and more would not go amiss. This should make all Mary Sues authors cringe in horror. How *could* Alex *act* like this? (slaps hand to forehead in mock horror)  
  
The shriek of pure rage made all the Fellowship sit up from their meal, and stare at the clump of bushes Arwen had whisked Alex behind with looks of intense terror.  
  
She'd been right. She *really* didn't like this. Arwen had expertly trussed her up in what Alex called 'chauvinistic propaganda for a bizarre mating ritual,' and Arwen described as, 'very pretty'. In short, a dress.  
  
"Now, Alex, you cannot wear that.that thing," Arwen said sternly, indicating the sorry piece of material that was the only thing that remained on Alex from home. Except her underwear.  
  
"Nu uh. Sorry lady, you're very pretty, and I'm sure that if I wanted my sword sheath colour coordinated with my gown you'd be excellent to ask, but my bandanna is staying on my wrist, seeing as you've done something with my hair," Alex said crossing her arms stubbornly. She didn't know what Arwen had done, and she didn't *want* to know. It had either been her hair, or the pink gown, and if she *ever* wore pink, Alex was sure that she'd have to perform the witch's scene from the Wizard of Oz screaming she was melting.  
  
"Alexandra, would you behave yourself!" was the last thing that the Fellowship heard before the two young women exited the shrubbery. Arwen went first, smiling proudly, ands then Alex came out. And nine jaws dropped.  
  
She was dressed in one of Arwen's dresses, which meant it was very feminine, but in a deep shade of blue. Her long copper hair had been brushed out, and tied up in a net, and her coffee coloured eyes were uncovered by her 'shades'. In short, she was pretty damn gorgeous. Except for the scowl of intense displeasure.  
  
Aragorn walked over to Arwen, and took her hand.  
  
"My lady, you have transformed her," he said, smiling. Arwen accepted the compliment with a regal nod.  
  
"Yeah, now she actually *looks* like a girl!" breathed Pippin. Alex flashed him a death stare, and he gulped.  
  
Boromir walked over, and offered his arm.  
  
"My lady, we are about to start training the hobbits. If you would care to be seated?" he said corteously. Alex stamped on his foot.  
  
"So because I'm dressed like one of you, you think I'm all weak. Great. Beth's greatest fantasy. Next Legolas will be carrying me off to Lothlorian and marrying me, then making mad passionate love all night!" she yelled. The Fellowship stared, as the pointy bits of Legolas's ears turned a deep crimson.  
  
"Alex, sit down and behave yourself!" Arwen snapped, and grumpily, Alex sat down. The Fellowship gazed at Arwen in adoration, and she merely shrugged.  
  
They ate, and drank long into the night, and then Pippin started up the hobbit songs. Alex sat there as the hobbits gave a chorus of different songs, unbelieving that something so small could make something so big.  
  
"Now dancing!" Merry said, with an evil grin to Pippin. Pippin winked, and nodded.  
  
"Hang on, there's two of us, and nine of you, and I *don't* dance!" Alex protested.  
  
"So you refuse to honour us?" Pippin, said, hanging his head.  
  
"Damn right I do!" Alex said.  
  
"But the hobbits have sung for you, why not dance?" Borormir asked. Alex shot him a dirty look. (A/N This is not a romance, so get your mind out of the gutter)  
  
"Yes, they have done their part, and wish to rest, but we must entertain them! Gimli does not dance, and Gandalf is."  
  
" Gandalf is on the young lady's side in this," Gandalf interupted, with a small smile to Alex, which made her very sorry that he would be around her PMSy self in the next few days.  
  
"So it is Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas!" Boromir anounced cheerfully.  
  
"And I shall sing with the hobbits!" Gimli announced. Frodo nodded.  
  
"It would be a pleasure to sing for you, Mistresses Arwen and Alex," he said, tiredly, but with a small smile. Alex looked at what had been her arch nemesis back in the *real* world, and sighed.  
  
"I." Alex thought a second. Should she admit that she couldn't dance? It was a really low activity on her priority list, but that didn't detracxt from the fact that she couldn't do it. Then a little smile spread across her face.  
  
"Fine. I'll dance." The fellowship stared, they had never seen her give in so easily.  
  
"Ahh, ahem, Mistress Arwen, would you care to dance?" said Aragorn, with a smile at his love. Arwen returned it, swept a curtsey, and took his outstretched hand, as the hobbits began singing of love, and hope.  
  
Boromir and Legolas looked at one another. Neither wanted to be de-manned, but then neither wanted to give the impression that they were scared of a five foot four slip of a girl. It was true, they weren't scared. They were damn terrified.  
  
Alex stood there, her hands folded demurely, a picture of goodness, with a sweet smile curving her lips. And an evil glint in her eye.  
  
"Surely one of you will dance with me?" she asked innocently.  
  
They glanced at one another.  
  
"Legolas will."  
  
"Boromir will," they answered at the same time. Then turned and glared at one another. Arwen stopped dancing.  
  
"For shame! You are both true warriors, sworn to aid those in need, and yet you refuse to give a simple pleasure to this young girl?" she demanded, her hands on her hips.  
  
Alex blushed. She wouldn't have put it quite like *that*.  
  
Legolas and Boromir uneasily stepped forward. Alex accepted Boromir's outstretched hand, and pointedly ignored Legolas's look of blessed relief.  
  
Then she proceeded to trample on Boromir's toes.  
  
"A gift from the heavens, a song from above," the hobbits sang, much in the way of a Mary-Sue, while Boromir tried to stop the screams of pain escape his throat.  
  
"Owww!" He failed. They came to a standstill, as he bent to massage his toes.  
  
"Wench, when did you learn to dance? For the teacher should be hung, drawn and quartered for such torture exacted by his students!" he bellowed, not noticing Alex's eyes narrowing.  
  
"First of all, wench went out of fashion about 800 years ago. Two, how *dare* you critisize me? You couldn't dance if Sauron shot fire at your toes!" she screeched. Hastily, Arwen stepped in.  
  
"Alex, though your style of dancing is *interesting*, we shall allow Boromir a rest, and Legolas can instruct you in the way of dance of our people!" she announced cheerfully, as Legolas looked as if she'd just given him a death sentence. Boromir grinned.  
  
"Suits me, wench!" he said, with a wink at Alex who glared.  
  
Legolas stepped forward, as Merry and Pippin shot grins at one another.  
  
"10 coins she kicks him," Merry whispered, and Pippin answered, "10 that he pulls out the knives."  
  
  
  
Alex waited as Legolas walked to her side.  
  
"Alex, place your hand on my shoulder," he said, and resisted the temptation to turn tail and run when she gave him a look that could melt steel.  
  
"It's part of the dance!" he protested. Sullenly, she put her hand where he indicated.  
  
"Now the other one I hold, and then I put my other hand on your waist," he carried on, doing so without looking at her, and then placing his plam onm her hip. Then found himself looking up at her from flat on his back. He had no idea *how* she'd done it, nor did he need to. All he knew was he'd just angered her further.  
  
  
  
"No hands on my waist, *ever* buster!" she yelled, turning on her heel, and striding back to the campfire.  
  
"Pay up," said Gimli, as the hobbits sadly fished out their money.  
  
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&* 


	5. Peeing, PMS and help

A/N: You guys like this, huh? Okay, second chapter in one day, but I've been away for a week. This is fun! And I got my GCSE year coming up. So I'm having as mucxh fun as possible. I go back in a week and a bit's time, five day's before my birthday, which is in two weeks time, on Monday, so it stiks, quite frankly. I would love a review as a birthday present though! Lol! ^_^  
  
It was about three hours later, when the entire Fellowship had finally collapsed happily into bed, when Alex woke up. With an urgent desire to, well, you know, *pee*.  
  
She threw the covers off, and evacuated herself from the bedding, allowing herself a small smile at the fact that her pile had been given a two foot radius by all the others, and then winced. Yeah, she now *really* had to go. The problem was though, where?  
  
She crept over to a tree, and then Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli jumped up, armed, and had various nasty looking weapons pointed at her.  
  
"Hold, where do you go?" demanded Aragorn, seeing only a dark form with it's back to him. Alex sighed, and turned around. Necessary time was being taken out now.  
  
"Look, point me in the direction of the John, and you can go back to sleep," she explained, crossing her legs.  
  
The Fellowship stared at the squirming female, and then looked at one another. The others were now starting to wake up.  
  
"Oh brother!" Alex said, as the sleepy hobbits rubbed their eyes.  
  
"The john? What is that, Mistress?" Boromir asked politely.  
  
"Jeez, can't you guys speak American? It's the WC, dumbass!" Alex yelled, she was now in a state that required extreme control.  
  
"WC? What runes are these?" Gimli said, his brow furrowing.  
  
"I need the bloody loo!" Alex hollered. A dozen birds woke and shot out of the nearest tree.  
  
They all looked at her in bewilderment.  
  
"Don't you have *bodily functions* you need to attend to at some point?" Alex demanded. Her full bladder was making her extremely edgy.  
  
A look of understanding dropped over every face.  
  
"When we need to, uh, *vacate* ourselves, we do so over there," said Aragorn, pointing to a clump of bushes.  
  
"And the bog roll?" Alex asked hopefully.  
  
"Nay Mistress, we are men! We do not need such.. Trivalties," Gimli said proudly, understanding what Alex meant.  
  
"I *would* kick your ass for that comment, but I need to pee too bad. Remind me, kay?" Alex's parting shot echoed as she scuttled toward the bushes.  
  
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
The smell of sausage was carried on the wind, as Alex woke up grumpily. She smelt it, and her stomach turned over. Yep, definitely PMSy this morining.  
  
She stalked over to the campfire in the garment Arwen had given her called a 'nightshift'. As far as she was concerned, it covered more than her normal clothes, and she was hungry. The Fellowship could just *deal*.  
  
However, (A/N: Alex hates these little 'howevers'. Don'tcha just love em?) at the sight of her in the long white dress, every member of the Fellowship closed their eyes, and puttheir backs to her.  
  
"Jeez, I didn't think I looked *that* bad in the morning," she muttered, picking up a piece of bread from the pan.  
  
"Nay, it is not, well, Mistress, would that you *dressed* before you joined us, it would be most.." Sam stuttered. (A/N: I'd not forgotten him)  
  
"What the boy means to say is that, you are in your *nightwear*!" Boromir said loudly with his hands folded behind his back. Every hobbit, and Aragorn and Legolas blushed. Gandalf carried on munching on a sausage, and Gimli looked as if he wanted to turn around.  
  
"So?" she asked.  
  
"Alexandra!" Arwen's tones rang out in the clearing, as she cantered into it. She dismounted, and dropped the reins. She glanced at the embarassed Fellowship, and then at Alex, who stared in genuine confusion.  
  
"Alex, it is not a good idea to appear at breakfast in your undergarments!" she said.  
  
"But this *isn't*!" Alex protested. "It's a nightdress!"  
  
"Exactly. Now go and get dressed." Alex left, muttering something about ancient customs, and went behind the bushes to get dressed. The Fellowship let out a sigh of relief.  
  
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
Three long days had passed, as far as Alex was concerned. The Ringwraiths were about, which meant the journey was to be done is a short a time as possible. And guess what? All the Fellowship were mightly annoyed with her.  
  
First, there had been the little scene when Alex had thrown the frying pan at Frodo, claiming she would have gone insane if she had not. Then, when Legolas tried to teach her how to shoot, she'd shot him. In the ear. After the screams of pain had stopped, she had calmly announced that she didn't want to carry on, and was quite prepared to wait for a convient portal to show up. And screamed, "Ringwraiths! Grub's up this way!" very loud, while waving Frodo in the air.  
  
Then, there had been the day when Arwen had tried to convince her to do the cleaning, and to aid her in making cloaks for the men, a chore they expected her to do along the way. She had threatened to shove any mending up the ex-elf's ass, and stalked off. Arwen, quite annoyed by then, had said quite a few choice curses in elvish, which immediately, Alex had picked up. Legolas had got quite bored of being told in his own language his mother was a two bit, no good whore.  
  
Aragorn had got smacked with a wooden stick after he had said that she would be tied to her horse if she couldn't stop getting off to use the bushes.  
  
And Gimli? Let's just say that Alex sided with the elves when it came to opinions on dwarves. He learnt quite a few new words in English. And his beer had sugar and berries stirred into it. Sam had found worms in his cooking, and Merry and Pippin got their heads bashed together. All in all, not a happy Fellowship.  
  
She had bad PMS, a headache, from all the constant singing, and cramps, which signalled the arrival of her period any day.  
  
"Guys, can't we juat give the damn thing *back* to Sauron, and then kill him?" she said tersely, when that evening they were discussing their various homes. They ignored her.  
  
She put a hand to her aching stomach, and sat down, moodily glaring at the fire.  
  
"What ails you?" Boromir snapped.  
  
"Nothing," she snapped back, and then sighed. Sam finished describing his garden, and then they turned to look at her.  
  
"What?" she demanded, as nine pairs of eyes turned to her.  
  
"What is your home like?" Sam asked softly. A smile sprang up before she could subdue it.  
  
"Home is where I'd like to be *right* now," she told him.  
  
"But what is it like?" he persisted.  
  
"It's huge. I live in the city, which is all kinds of colours, and noises, but then right in the centre, there's a huge park, and it's green, and leafy, and me and my friends hang out in it all the time," she said.  
  
"What do you do?" Pippin asked.  
  
"I go to school, mostly, which is a real drag," she replied. "What's school?" he asked.  
  
"A big place filled with boredom and despair," she grinned.  
  
"Like Mordor!" Merry piped up.  
  
"Yep," Alex said with a straight face.  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&**&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&  
  
That night, she awok with a particularly vicious cramp, then realised that her period had arrived.  
  
"Damn this place!" she said, a tear catching her unawares, as she beat her fists against a tree.  
  
"What is it?" Aragorn asked, coming up to her. She instinctively turned away.  
  
He caught sight of her problem, and sighed. She blushed. Standing up, he walked over to a patch of grass, wherein grew some herbs, and clover. Grabbing a handful, he walked back, and taught her what he knew from Arwen.  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&


	6. I don't want to be around when she wakes...

A/N: You guys don't think I should be slapped for writing this do you? And that I should get out of the LOTR section? I got a flamer as the first review on chapter five, and it wasn't a nice Birthday present! (sniffs)  
  
However (Erin: I *love* howevers! Me: Shut up, stupid muse) Star's all happy now, because she has lots of happy reviews. Okay, so I caused serious damage to a few hobbits. They survived! (obviously, or this wouldn't have canon characters) And to answer a few things before I carry on,  
  
GreyladyBast asked if I'd messed up the timeline, or this was AU. I answer: I have not an earthly idea. It is something in between times, they're on their way to Lothlorian, cos at some point,.. Not going into that! Anyway, yeah, it's kind of AU. But Alex is too annoying not to be given space to *play*.  
  
And I'm a nice person really. You have to remember, this is *not* self insertion. I'm an addict, I write whatever I think because I have to, but this is *fiction* people! Just because Alex thinks Frodo's annoying, and hits him with heavy objects, does not mean *I* do!  
  
Plus, I actually *checked* my copy, and found, (with twitching) that this is possible. If Tolkien got stoned. But that's anooother story! Kidding! I should shut up now, shouldn't I ?  
  
Okay, breathing! ^_^ I'm a happy author, really. Just, kinda stressed.  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& Timeline: This should occur around the chapter, The Ring Goes South, but the days I'm talking about happen in between the time on the Road, and the time Sam sees the birds. And it's a little bit of humour, as this is probably going to get heavy before long. So have fun!  
  
&*&*&*&***&*&*&*&*&*&*&  
  
They had been riding, a long time. And Alex had been forced to make her peace with the Fellowship. Just so we're clear, she didn't include Legolas. She hated his guts still, it's hard to override training of about three years or so. But they (the Fellowship) had ridden for a fortnight,  
  
The weather had changed, and Gandalf had had a *meaningful* conversation with the others, while Alex had gone behind a tree to pee. When she returned, they were setting up camp.  
  
"Oh jeez, it seems all we do here is ride and sleep, do you guys have a reputation to up hold, or somethin?" she said, wrinkling her nose. Sam looked up from the fire.  
  
"No, mistress, in fact we hobbits like to eat," he replied cheerfully, and gestured to the panful of hot food.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," she said grumpily. She had *almost* become reconciled to the fact she seemed to be staying here, but not quite.  
  
They ate, and drank, and then Merry winked at Pippin, away from the rest of the Fellowship's eyes.  
  
"Are we going to do it?" Merry asked. Pippin cast an eye over the others. Alex sat apart from them, eating slowly, not joining in the conversation. (A/N: I said she had reconciled, not that she was *happy*)  
  
"Yeah!" he said, with a wicked little grin. "If this doesn't bring her closer to the Fellowship, nothing will!" They cackled together, and rsan off into the woody part to get a few things.  
  
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn had disappeared off to talk about strategies, and watches, while Alex ended up talking with Sam. Sam seemed to be the only person here she could actually stand, and they ended up talking about gardens, in Sam's case, his, in Alex's, Hampton Court's.  
  
Merry and Pippin rounded the corner, and walked toward them. Sam walked away to tend the fire, and they sat down before Alex.  
  
"What do *you* want?" she asked suspiciously.  
  
"Nothin'!" Merry protested, then glanced at Pippin.  
  
"well, *actually*."  
  
"What?" she demanded.  
  
"We found some berries in the wood, and seeing as there are only a few," Pippin gestured to the heap he and Merry were carrying, " We wanted to eat them, but don't want to share. So can you hide us?" Alex glared at the two innocent looking hobbits.  
  
"Fine. But I want a berry!" she said, snatching one off the top. Merry and Pippin grinned at one another.  
  
"Hey! I want *you* to eat one first!" she announced, triumphantly, placing the berry back on top of the succulent pile. Pippin looked terrified. Merry calmly picked up a berry, and popped it in his mouth.  
  
"MMMMM yummy!" he said slowly, and encouragingly, like he was trying to coax a dumbassed child to eat the disgusting porrige in front of them.  
  
Alex looked at the hobbit. It hadn't dropped down dead. She placed the berry on her tongue, and bit down.  
  
"Yaaaaaaaay!!" Merry yelled, and danced around Pippin in a circle. Pippin ended up doing sonmething that looked like a strip tease, but wasn't as I hate hobbit slash, or sex. They're too damn innocent looking!  
  
"What the f**k have I eaten!" Alex yelled. They stopped dancing, and smiled up at her.  
  
Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf (A/N: did I forget to mention he'd slipped off to have a smoke?) returned, and caught sight of the berries, and the sick looking Alex.  
  
"Did you eat these?" Gandalf asked, worriedly.  
  
"No duh. I'm feeling like my stomach's turning over as a result of eating jellybabies and ice cream, and the hobbits are dancing because they want to do a slash piece starring them and Gimli," she retorted.  
  
"Do you know what they are?" Aragorn asked, with a wry grin.  
  
"If I had, I obviously wouldn't have eaten them!" Alex yelled. "What are they?"  
  
"They are called Hobbit's mischief, for the havoc they wreak on any species. The do not affect hobbits," Frodo said, smiling at the sight of Merry and Pippin cracked up.  
  
When the two hobbits had landed, both with a combat boot print on their butt, Alex asked,  
  
"So what will they do to me?"  
  
The Fellowship all considered how they would answer that question, without getting kicked across to Modor. They realised they *couldn't* and everyone pushed Gimli forward.  
  
"Well, the,er, person who eats the thing, gets to be." he scratched his head, then glanced back at the Fellowship. They backed away.  
  
"What?" she asked again, patting her arms to check for spikes. She'd seen an episode of Andromeda, and that guy on there *must* have had a bad time keeping those things covered. (A/N: watch Andromeda, you foolish mortals!)  
  
"Well,theyfallmadlyinlovewiththeonepersontheyhatethemostbetheymaleorfemale," Gimli stuttered, then ran like hell.  
  
"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!" Birds flew, Orcs ran, and the Ringwraiths poised just five metres away, fell off their horses.  
  
Alex sat down, and began pounding her head against her fist.  
  
"It's not so bad," Aragorn tried to comfort her. "At least you don't despise Gandalf, which was what happened the last time something like this happened." He shuddered at the memory.  
  
"What? There could be worse thasn this? The person I hate most is *Legolas* of all people! Now in about five minutes, I will act like a complete idiot!" she howled.  
  
"hey!" Legolas sdaid defensively. "Falling in love with me is *not* that bad a proposition!"  
  
"It's Alex," Gimli said. "Yes it is."  
  
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&  
  
Five minutes had been and gone. In fact, Legolas was *seriously* considering tying Alex to a tree with mithrel, if it wasn't for the fact that she'd kill him, when she snapped out of it.  
  
In fact, at this point in time, the only way to get any peace, was to have her in his lap. She seemed quite content there, and at least she wasn't bullying the hobbits anymore, it just happened to be rather unfair, as he *was* a male Elf, and he couldn't help it if close contact with a female, albiet a *highly* annoying one, meant several parts of his anatomy betrayed himself. So he was sitting with a rigid look of desperate disapproval on his face, while trying to maintain a degree of control.  
  
(A/N: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!)  
  
Alex wriggled, and he eased in a slow breath. Right now, he was seriously considering enunch as a possible career move.  
  
"Legolas, my love?" she breathed into his ear, and he stuck his finger in, and waggled it. He was extremely ticklish, and *didn't* want her to work that out.  
  
"Yes?" he answered nervously. The lasst time she'd made a request, it had involved foodstuffs.  
  
"Why won't you prove all those rumours on the 'net true, and keep me awake all night?"  
  
Logic. That was the way to deal with this, logic.  
  
"Because," he started, " If I do, then you won't be able to ride tomorrow, and an Orc will find you, and you'll die." Then hastily added, woodenly, "and I *wouldn't* want that to happen."  
  
"You'd save me, wouldn't you?" she asked, in the same sickly tones. Pippin, sittin g opposite them, around the fire, stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from cracking up. Legolas glared.  
  
"Erm, of course. I save helpless girls lots of times!" he said brightly, *hoping* to piss her off enough to snap out of it. Instead, she put her head on his shjoulder, and snuggled in. He let out a yelp that sounded as if someone had stepped on a puppy's tail.  
  
"I knew you would. It's one of the reasons I love you," she said.  
  
Pander to her. Pander to her, or it prolongs the damn thing, Gandlaf had told him, but be damned if he was sleeping with a seventeen year old hormone bomb so she didn't stay in love with him for longer. Merry smirked at him.  
  
"Maybe we should sing, serenade you both, and you can dance?" he suggested, a note of vicious humour in his voice. Pippin slapped him.  
  
"The plan was to humiliate *her* not him!" he said, gesturing to Legolas. He was feeling guilty, and to tell the truth , very ill. None of the Fellowship had seen a nice side of Alex, and her groping Legolas, or attempts to, from the original position of hating his guts, was too much to handle. However ( A/N: Told ya! You wouldn't have forgiven me if I hadn't written this, would ya? Alex gets revenged on!) Alex had already agreed eagerly. Legolas took one look at the pleading, melting eyes of his, uh, *sweetheart*, and relunctantly stood up. She fell onto the floor.  
  
"Well done! Nice manover!" Gimli yelled, toasting him. Gandalf raised an eyebrow.  
  
"What?" Gmli asked, shrugging. Gandalf blew a smoke ring.  
  
"Right, one, two, three, four!" Merry yelled, drunkenly conducting them in a chorus of, 'Can you feel the love tonight'. (A/N: You do know that that belongs to the Lion King, right?) Legolas gritted his teeth. Alex adoringly slipped her hand into his, and followed him in circles. Legolas found himself wishing for the time she'd have kicked him for touching her.  
  
They danced for about half an hour, during which, Alex got quite good, seeing as she was being as submissive as a hedgehog to a dog. (A/N: I froze, okay?) Then she slipped her hands into what Gandalf had nicknamed the 'orange zone', (his hair) and pulled his lips onto hers.  
  
They kissed, and for a seventeen year old who liked kicking his ass, she was suprisingly good at this activity, he discovered. The whoops from what was called the 'peanut gallery', (find a dictionary, mortals!) consisting of Merry and Pippin, were silenced by a look from Gandalf.  
  
"Legolas, I. I want to sleep with you," Alex whispered, and Legolas really wanted to be sick around about now. Suddenly, she dropped down to her knees, and fainted.  
  
"Thank the Lord for that!" Gandalf exclaimed. Legolas lifted her.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" he asked. "The effect of acting like a normal teenager got too much for her, but it will wear off overnight. However, if she does wake up, you will be needed to be nearby."  
  
He groaned. Great.  
  
"Why?" Gandalf merely walked away. Shrugging, he lifted Alex, and dumped her on the floor. Sinking down beside her, he fell asleep.  
  
"Why *does* he have to be nearby?" Merrry asked.  
  
"Because I don't want to be killed when she storms through camp looking to castrate Legolas!" Gandalf chuckled.  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
There. For all you Mary-sue haters, here's a real parody. Didn't think that was coming? Check the first chapter, and Alex's dream. I've been hinting at this for ages, and it's finaslly out. And guess what? I know where I'm going now! Lalalalalallaalalalala! (crazed author skips off to lalala land, while Erin(muse) takes over). Erin: Yeah, review, please. I consider this the funniest part so far.  
  
Gets dragged off)  
  
Lalaalalalalala! Candy for all! 


	7. Rise and Shine! Or not!

Alex blinked. Her tongue was all furry, and her head buzzed like she'd woken up after an all night frat party. She groaned. And sat up. She couldn't remember much, but what she *did* remember...  
  
Oh God, no! Someone must have a knife! Her mind blasted through images of sitting on the Gay One's lap, and apparently, he *wasn't* so gay, after all. Then dancing with him, to really *drunk* hobbits singing, then.. Slowly, she turned her head, and saw a glint of blond hair at her side.  
  
"YOU FU**ING TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!" she screamed. Legolas woke up to find Alex standing over him grimly, slitting his bedclothes into shreds.  
  
"So you're not cured, then?" he asked, eyeing the knife sliding down to his nether regions.  
  
"OF COURSE I'M CURED, YOU BLASTED IDIOT!!!!" Legolas massaged his temples, and said quietly, "Do you think we could dispense with the yelling? I have quite good hearing, you know."  
  
After he'd recovered from the spam to the back of his head, Alex was hissing in his ear.  
  
"Why the flying f**k didn't you stop to think? I have never liked you! I never at any point in the *sane* part of my existance wanted 5to sleep with you! And the one time those deformed midgets you call friends *poison* me you...!!!" She gestured with the knife to his undressed body beneath the bedsheets.  
  
"I did *not* take advantage of you! I'm a 5000 year old elf, not a human with a hard on! (A/N: I apologise for the unMiddleEnglish. ) "  
  
Alex gave a wicked little smirk. "It didn't appear to be that way last night!"  
  
Legolas blushed.  
  
"You were the one that climbed into my lap! I'm male, I can't exactly control these things!" he replied defensively. "And if you can remember *that*, then surely you can recall that I *didn't* take advantage of you!"  
  
"Budge up, Pip!" Merry said, sitting down on the log where the Fellowship were watching, with increasing degrees of amusement, the full scale warfare that was Alex, when she thought she'd done the worst thing possible.  
  
"Pass the sausages, Sam!" Merry called along the row, and the hobbits ate with great enjoyment. "It's better than Bilbo telling stories!" Frodo said, chuckling, at the latest insult Alex had thrown at Legolas.  
  
"Look, stop trying to kill me! I'm the wounded here, you tried to kill me this morning, and all I did was what Gandalf told me to do! Stay by you all night, in a platonic way, when you were obviously bloodthirsty in your sleep!"  
  
"And you couldn't have slept with clothes *on*?" Alex demanded.  
  
"So I have to be uncomfortable because *you* fall in love with me? Perfect way to end the day!"  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
After much arguing, Alex managed to piece together what had happened, (with much help from snickering hobbits), and when Merry and Pippin had been retreived from flying five foot into the air, and Sam set up watch for anything suspicious.  
  
Now, the only person Alex would talk to, was Aragorn. And that was about ways to kill elves. A few dark mutters about smashing his pendant, and legolas was begininning to think he would never be allowed any degree of sanity.  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&  
  
An end to the humour. Next up, Mines of Moria, and then onward to Lothlorian! Should be finished around Chapter 10, but don't count on it! I am planning a sequel, if people want one, so if you do, put a yea, or nay if you don't in a REVIEW, and send it. Alternatively, you could come up with a *reason* for Alex to return, that doesn't involve killing Gollum.  
  
Love to you all,  
  
*S* 


	8. Mines of Candle in the Wind, boredom and...

A/N: Okay, bin awhile, people! Mines of Moria, should be last chapter next time, which will be longer, I promise. But although I don't think this stinks, it was fairly difficult to write, as I don't know the book backwards, so have avoided real detail. (Sue me, my story) On second thoughts, don't. I'm a student, very little money, yadayada. On with what you people want.  
  
  
  
"And we're here, for *what* exactly?" Alex asked sarcastically, as they sat outside the mines of Moria, while Gandalf attempted to open the doors now using a series of spritish swearwords, having run out of suitable phrases about an hour ago. Gimli meanwhile, was, ehem, *entertaining* the rest of the Fellowship with tales of him and his relatives that all seemed to end in ' and we crushed their skulls with the flat of me axe'. To someone used to the great variety of American television, it wasn't exactly gripping.  
  
"Oh, I forgot. To listen to some senile old guy who's lost his keys swear at the door. And some rambling twit who.."  
  
"Alex.." warned Aragorn, as Gimli, his face thunderous, started grunting, and hefting his axe up and down.  
  
"Oh grow *up*. Stop playing with your stick, and run along, " Alex said bored, to Gimli, who turned red at the innuendo, then sat down.  
  
"Has anyone *else* got anything remotely interesting to do while we wait for the village idiot who's claim to fame involves the longest beard contest solve a riddle?" Alex went on, and when Frodo's face brightened, and he opened his mouth, hastily went on, " That *doesn't* involve your big book of boredom and torture otherwise known as," she affected a falsetto, and opened her eyes to their widest, "my unkie bilbie's book of tales that we can all fall asleep to." Frodo gave her a hurt look.  
  
"Can it, short stuff," Alex said moodily, and fell silent. Sam tentatively raised a hand.  
  
"What?" Alex snapped.  
  
"Well, we hobbits could.. sing," he volunteered.  
  
"The last time you tried that. I don't want to think about the last time you tried that, " she said, wincing, " and I believe your repertoire is Disney, Westlife, and Elton John's greatest flops, so no thank you with a side order of shudder."  
  
Again silence. Eerily silent. No animals. Frodo looked uncomfortable.  
  
"Oh, what is it?" Alex moaned. " Either you need to wet yourself, or that bloody thing's talking to you again. Stop listening, and go to the toilet. You're giving me piles watching you."  
  
Frodo suddenly smiled.  
  
"What? Thinking of Legolas in his underwear again?" Alex asked, then regretting it. Blondie and underwear in the same sentence was still not possible after the intensely embarrassing thing with fruit that had put her off berries for life.  
  
"No, Mistress Alex," he replied. She had never been able to stop him doing the mistress thing. "I was thinking, you're not from this world, why would the Ring affect you? Take it, and I'll have some peace."  
  
"Yeah, no one would dare to take anything off her," Pippin chimed in. Alex gave him a glare that would turn milk sour. He gulped, and fell silent, Merry smiling.  
  
"Don't," she took a deep breath, having a serious conversation with *It* was difficult, particularly since it was only waist height, "Don't offer me *that*. It's dangerous. Yes it bloody well would affect me and not in a hearts and puppy dogs way. You think Boromir's gonna be bad, I'll be worse." He looked puzzled.  
  
"Oh damn, mucked up the plot line once again. Oh well, never mind. Just understand this. Me with PMS is bad, me with a ring is me with PMS with refined sugar, mega bad." Four little hobbits nodded their heads.  
  
An hour passed, with Gimli trying to hack through the doors, despite him being the one telling them that nothing could get through, while the doors smugly glinted 'nahnahnahnehnah' in the moonlight. Also, Alex suggested the hobbits singing them through, with the idea that nothing could not be penetrated by 'the God awful noise they make'. It didn't work, but all of them, (sans hobbits) were a little fed up of Candle in the Wind by the timer the singathon ended.  
  
Gandalf in the mean time, had a smoke, and a think, and then a moan about wizarding, while Alex tried out every piece of English that Gandalf hadn't already used on the doors. Needless to say, it hadn't worked.  
  
So they were sitting around, and someone had the bright idea of throwing stones in the lake, while Gandalf shook his staff at the door, and expressed all the pent up rage of being old, stupid, and a silly character no one really cares about since Legolas came onto the scene, except for that little bit where he dies, and oh, aren't we all sad for five whole seconds then Legolas appears ad it's happy happy happy! Or something like that.  
  
Then someone, in the heat of the several moments it was forgotten who, started throwing stones in the lake, around about the time Gandalf bought a clue, and realised he was a suspicious old git.  
  
What with the screaming, and Legolas's little display of manly heroics, otherwise known as 'his disgusting attempt to shoot straight at Frodo, and put the world out of it's pain, but missed', Alex's picking up Frodo, and trying to toss him in the lake while saying, "Here fishie, fishie, fishie!" got a little scrambled in the mad dash for a place where wild fish beastie things didn't try to eat the Ring bearer.  
  
Once inside the Mines of Moria, Gimli at once started to drone about his family, and the huge reception they would have as soon as somebody met them. This, which was intensely boring, soon stopped when he saw his relatives. In skeletal form.  
  
And then Pip's ever so lucky 'let's toss a dead guy into a well, and make a huge song and dance about it' started world war three.  
  
As Gandalf growled, 'Fool of a Took! Next time throw yourself in, and save us the bother," Alex was rather nervous.  
  
"Um, Aragorn? The last time I heard that kind of noise was when the Native Americans took music class. And somehow, I don't think that's a Sun dance," Alex gulped, as the others noticed what was drumming through the walls.  
  
"They're upon us!" one yelled, as the Fellowship attempted to kill the rampage of big bad ugly things, that were trying to kill them first. Alex didn't even come out with sarcastic retorts when Legolas shot a big bad ugly that was attempting to eat her.  
  
When the Fellowship ran, like hell, and came to the bridge of doom, as Alex named it, and played 'let's cross something while Gandalf tries to play the hero."  
  
As Gandalf slipped, the rest gazed at him in horror.  
  
"Run you fools," he whispered, and then dropped like a stone.  
  
"Gandalf!" Frodo cried, as they ran to safety.  
  
Outside, in the light that seemed bright to those that had fled the tomb of Moria, the hobbits cried inconsolably, Frodo hardest of all. As Aragorn tried his manly 'let's confort each other, without talking," while Legolas appeared not to notice anything was wrong, Alex calmly removed Sam's saucepan from his pack.  
  
A few minutes later, when the Fellowship noticed the scent of sausages, they looked up in amazement.  
  
"What?" said Alex, munching on a sausage.  
  
  
  
A/N: So, did it stink? I haven't written this in a while, and this was one of my worst chapters to date, and I should stop making excuses. Next chapter's the last in this series, but.. a big But, the next series of Alex's amazing adventures is gonna start soon. And if I get caught up in GCSE mayhem, then it will abruptly stop, but I plan on passing, and you know how it is, you actually have to do revision to pass. Next chapter up soon, or in other words, when my dad next has a dinner party, so I can nick his laptop. 


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